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Is this a good start for a college admission essay(Rice,UT)?

I pressed the button and saw my enemy explode into a million pieces. As satisfying as that was, I was also in terrifying danger. I dodged bullets and ran as quickly as I could to the nearest building. I looked around and could no longer see anyone. I could sense something was wrong as I entered what seemed like an abandoned school. I felt a tingling up my spine and constantly checked my peripherals. I was injured and decided to look for first-aid kits inside the building. I finally found one and ran outside. Unfortunately, the fight outside had greatly intensified, and I had no choice but to come back inside. I turned my head and felt the blood drain from my face as I stood face to face with a horrifying monster. There was no escaping it; it was game over.
Video games tend to get a bad reputation these days due to this seemingly meaningless violence and overly graphic stories. Many people are misled by the news and believe that video games damage kids’ brains. On the contrary, they foster skills and creativity like no other media. For example, is playing video games equivalent to watching television and movies? This is a tough question to consider because both practically involve the same activity: staring at a television monitor. The key difference lies in the interactivity of videogames. Watching Star Wars is clearly not the same as having to decide whether or not to join the dark side. It is this simple fact of role playing that seems to be so controversial. Typical parents worldwide believe kids cannot discern fantasy from reality or that playing violent video games leads to more violent children. This is a myth. For example, every once in a long while there comes a kid who commits a gruesome act of violence. Of course, there has to be something to blame. He played Halo a bit too much. Ironically, perhaps the jury will cut him some slack. This is a complete fallacy in society. It is not the video game’s fault; it is the fault of the gamer. Another common stereotype is that gamers are obese and anti-social. This is again blown out of proportion. It is the responsibility of the gamer to maintain a balanced life style. Also, people tend to forget that video games foster teamwork when playing online with friends. Now, let us see the true effects of video gaming. For one thing, they improve problem-solving skills and quick decision-making. As shown above, one mistake leads to an unfortunate game over screen. Also, puzzles in games are becoming more and more common. Beating video games alone or with friends brings out a sense of accomplishment and ends up boosting our self-confidence. Next, video games can serve as real-life simulators. Strategy games, for example, improve resource management skills. Perhaps the biggest function of video games is a way of channeling emotions. One can experience a huge variety of emotions in a video game. However, the most important benefit of video games is……………

It is an essay with violent content about a subject which many adults consider to be immature. It also lacks paragraphing. I read several admissions essays each week and this is the only one which has totally turned me off. I may be biased, but the admissions officer may also be biased against violence and juvenile themes.

May I suggest that you play safely and start over. Good luck.


2 Comments

  1. Well written – was there a prompt or was this a free form essay? If I was editing in detail, I’d try to reduce the number of sentences. From about "This is a myth." it gets a little choppy because the sentences are rather short.

    FWIW, you’re already just over 500 words, so if there’s limit…References :

  2. ownpool

    It is an essay with violent content about a subject which many adults consider to be immature. It also lacks paragraphing. I read several admissions essays each week and this is the only one which has totally turned me off. I may be biased, but the admissions officer may also be biased against violence and juvenile themes.

    May I suggest that you play safely and start over. Good luck.References :

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